Validating Children’s Feelings

I have decided to write this blog in essence of my experience as a teacher and a parent working with children and defining the trigger to undesired behaviors. As a reference, an undesired behavior are actions that are not acceptable to you. Keep in mind that undesired behavior weighs heavily in cultural background. So, as I was saying this blog will function as guide to stregnthen your understanding your child’s feelings and ultimately your understanding will serve you as a tool to help your value your child’s feeling and help them unravel what they feel and get to the core of the issue they may have. In short, helping your understand what they feel unveils the direct connection between how they feel with how they behave.

The first step to approach this mission is to validate the child’s feelings. When children, even our selves, are hurt we don’t want:

• Pity
• Advice
• Our feelings denied
• To be integorated
• The other person be defended
• An empathetic response
• To a listen to philosophical response

What we want when we are hurting or upset is others to validate what I am feeling. Same goes for children. The following is the approach I take to guide children in my care and my own to understand what they feel and allowing them to know that I am there, not to dictate their feelings, but to serve as a reference and further understand what they are going through regardless how big or small I may think the issue is.

To Help With Feelings

1. Listen with full attention.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word-“oh”….”Mmmm”…..”I see.”
3. Give their feelings a name.
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

The way to go about this is by practicing with frequency the following steps. Be ready to show off your immense vocabulary based on describing feelings. In order to practice these and be fluent follow the next two steps.

Acknowledging Feelings

1. A word or two that describe what the child might be feelings.
2. A statement you might make to the child to show you understand.

An example: The child comes to you and says, “The bus driver yelled at me and everybody laughed”. The first thing you have to think about giving that feeling a name. In this instance it is embarrassment. The second step is to put it in a sentence and say it out loud for your child to hear so they know that you understand. The sentence can be something like this “That must have been embarrassing”.

Children Need to Have Their Feelings

Accepted  and respected

1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY

2.  YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD.

“Oh…..Mmm…I see…”

3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELINGS A NAME.

“That  sounds frustrating”

4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.

5. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”

This is all to say that children have true feelings just like you and me. The more they understand how they feel the better they may redirect what they feel in acceptable behaviors.